Captain of Your Soul

So I have been flying high for the last two weeks not because it was drug induced, more a case of connecting with an amazing group of like-minded people, being connected to myself and also feeling in the flow.  Abundance, miracles, you name it were all just flowing to me, and let me tell you, it is one of the most frigging fantabulous feelings you can have.  It doesn’t mean that negative or odd things don’t happen, they most certainly do, but there is a sense of surfing over them and not taking them on. 

So what happened?

Yesterday afternoon as I was dancing in the flow of feeling great inside and outside, a little voice popped up and said “What if this all goes away?  Good things aren't meant to last!  What if it’s not real?”  At that moment I just stuffed the little voice down and pretended that I hadn't heard it.  Little did I know I had set the stage for my inner Gremlin/Critic/ Party Pooper to emerge.

As the end of the day wound down and I curled up in bed, I told myself all the things that I was grateful for that day and drifted off to sleep.  Two in the morning found me waking up in literally a cold sweat – WTF had I been thinking?  Of course this isn't a kind generous Universe and to think so is to have no touch with reality.  What about this?  What about that?  Who the heck did I think I was? 

I don’t know about you but when I wake like that in the middle of the night, it is quite terrifying as I am still half asleep and my body tends to respond to that voice and the fear it conjures up.  So lo and behold my neck and my upper back went into full spasm – we are talking pain, constriction, burning and just thoroughly bloody awful.  I stumbled out of bed and made my way downstairs, threw on the kettle and found my lovely back roller where I spent the next half hour trying to work out the spasm and knots.  I then filled up my hot water bottle and dragged myself back to bed to sit up for the next couple of hours thinking thoughts that had no light or joy to them at all, questioning every decision I had made, the path I was taking.  You name it we were having a swan dive into fear and inner critic.

Come the morning all the sense of joy, connection and lightness was gone – POOF – vanished like a fairy.  I spent the morning in the office attempting to focus on creating and getting something done that would make me feel as if I had been at least slightly productive – let’s just say it wasn't pretty by any stretch.  I watched the clock tick slowly, oh so darn slowly as it ticked the minutes by and I hunkered down like a little dark cloud.  “See,” said the Gremlin.  “I told you that wasn't real and you didn't deserve to feel that good.”  Guess what?  I believed it. 

After 6 hours of feeling bleak, scared, disconnected, a failure – you name it, a poem by William Ernest Henley came across my desk and the last lines were “ I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”  So off into the woods with the hounds I went, the first part was a plod, and then I found a patch of sun and just stood in it basking in the warmth.  I started plundering my virtual tool box.  Chanting?  Not right now.  Reframe the situation?  Let’s give it a shot.  Tell myself daft jokes?  Not feeling it. Meditate?  Yes, but not right now.  Through the list I went and as I did I realised I had the tools to address this and could feel the cloud shifting from a dark grey Eeyore cloud to a lighter more like Pooh or Piglet cloud.  So what do I need to do to lift this?  I need to write, I need to take action (even if it is only a small baby step), I need to create something. 

I hauled the hounds home, settled them with bones.  Lit a fire in the yard, sat in the sun and wrote lists, wrote letters, wrote this.  I cranked up the tunes and wiggled in my seat and then I spent some time just sitting and breathing.

On a scale of 1 – 10, I’m now feeling about a 7 whereas this morning was about a 2.  So please never doubt that you have the capacity to shift stuff and you know what?  Those awesome feelings, that feeling of being connected to something bigger than you – that’s real.  You are the Master of your Fate, You are the Captain of your Soul.